Stuck on May 15th

Patrice
Jun 5, 2020
6 min read

Updated: Jul 6, 2020

He left me for eternity.

Loss… Void… disbelief. So many things we don’t understand in this life! My God. On May 15th, 2020, I had the last conversation I'd ever have with someone who truly meant the world to me. He was always there, and knew he had my heart. He was so patient with me knowing that we both always wanted to give life together a shot.. but we always seemed to have other stuff going on. He was my breath of fresh air… always. He was the pigment to my paint and life always had a way of bringing us back together! Whenever we were together, we didn’t think about anything but the moment! Rarely grabbed our phones to record or take pictures. We just LIVED! We just appreciated the present moment with honest gratitude. This loss is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I feel it in my soul. My spirit misses his spirit.

The last time I spent with my Lindseh, I truly valued every second with him and we had the sweetest time. So much fun! We ordered pizza, we danced for tiktok, we watched Happy Feet, Free Solo, then some long youtube video about Jordan Peele. We blasted some newly released music and laughed our way through a free style afro beats dance battle in his room. We just loved each other and every second together. Couldn’t wait for the next time. He was such a country boy but the perfect gentleman. I absolutely adored him! Even though I wish more than anything that I had more time with him, I have no regrets in the last time I did spent with him.

I never imagined life without him. I didn’t want to do life without him anymore! I just told someone recently, I actually will never stop talking to him. Finally had it just about figured out it seemed. But you know what they say.. one way to make God laugh is to tell Him your plans. I’ve been through quite a bit. God has made it clear to me that in this life, He is the only thing that never changes. I feel like a modern day Job. I’ve lost a child, I’ve lost my mother, I’ve lost my home, I’ve lost all my money, slept in my car, lived with roaches and mice. (Trei definitely helped me with the roaches) I have lost love to divorce, but now losing love to death! It’s a different monster! It’s something that wasn’t a choice! I didn’t want this, he didn’t want this. It just happened and now I have to accept this reality. But I don’t want to swallow this pill. Not to mention I’m only 29 and this all happened since I hit 25! I felt God was just starting to restore love in my life, family, financial security. Trei told me to make his place mine and that it was a second home for me. I was working on being a healthy individual so that I could come to into my next relationship as a whole and not a half. He penetrated my heart. There were only a select few people in my life (family and close friends) who knew that he was where my heart was, as I had just come out of a rough depression. My love for Trei was private but so dear to my heart. But little did I know I’d be packing up his apartment and permanently submitting a change of address form for his mail to go to his mom’s house 2 weeks after seeing him. It feels like a nightmare. A distorted reality.

This loss has made me question all of my choices in love leading up to today. It's not that I was incapable of falling, I had already fallen. I was just so scared. Knowing that I have loved him since the start.. I wonder why I let other things in life take precedence. I called off an engagement and wedding in 2014. I called him to meet me right after because I still loved him. We met for lunch, but he was still seeing someone. When I first met my ex husband, top of 2015, Trei came to me and said he’d leave his then current relationship to be with me. Long story short, I told him I respected the person I was seeing, wanted to see where it went and to call me when it was no longer a current relationship. Basically leave because he wanted to, not for me. Almost ended that new relationship after 1 year because -RED FLAG- something wasn’t right when I couldn’t attend his father’s funeral but also wanted to show compassion to his grief. Then made an emotional decision to marry him after my mom passed two months later. I wish more than anything I knew the truth about my ex's dishonesty then. **LISTEN TO THOSE GUT CHECKS FOLKS** I have so much regret in that choice. I should have told him "okay let's leave them together... right now! BYE!" haha My time should have been spent in a much more genuine situation. I know the events in my life have shaped me into the person I am today… but can I just have the freedom to say that THIS REALLY EFFIN SUCKS!? Really just can’t understand the why or the way things happen.

That time in Feb 2015 was the last time I talked to him for roughly 3 years...the duration of my marriage. I didn't have any communication with him at all... because I knew I cared for him in all honesty. The day after Christmas 2015, I took my dad to see the Knicks play the Hawks (see photos below) as his Christmas gift. Little did I know, Trei was dancing at that same basketball game! So I saw him! My dad and I loved the performance, my ex husband.. not so much lol. Fast forward 3 years, On June 20, 2018, 4 months after my separation, I got into a car accident. Interestingly enough, that would have been my 2nd wedding anniversary. Someone ran a red light and my car was totaled. I found a little Mini Cooper at Carmax. On the 4th of July, I went in to purchase the vehicle and GUESS WHO WORKED THERE! My Lindseh. I had NO IDEA! Saw and spoke to him again for the first time in 3 years. Told him the news about my separation and my mom's passing. He was so happy to hear I was back in Atlanta! haha

I don’t like to dwell in negative emotions for too long but I can’t shake this either. What can this teach me, Sensei Life?? What can I learn from this… Professor Experience? I’m at a loss.

I feel like I’m just like.. hovering. Everywhere I go I can barely remember how I got there. Each second that passes feels like undesirable distance from him. Each day I wake up, I am slightly disappointed. Grateful for life but angry that I have life and he doesn’t anymore. I don’t know the future. I don’t know what tomorrow holds or how it would have played out. But I do know what I want today. I do know that fear has to GO! I do know that the people who matter will always take precedence, blood or not, they are considered family. Trei mattered. Trei always encouraged me to just go for what I want and stop caring about what other people might want for me. My God, I wish he was still here with me.

He and I had quite a bit of common interests, goals, and dreams. In one of our first conversations, he told me he loved Japanese because of anime and always asked me to teach him words. “Kao” the word for face was one that he remembered . Haha he’d always use it. He was excited to show me his first tattoo, two kanji, the Japanese word ‘tenshi' which means angel. Over the years, I knew it was there, but the meaning slipped my mind. In his passing, I remembered it was there and the fact that tenshi is what he went with, gave me chills. The breakdown 天- heaven 使- messenger. When Trei was 10 years old, he had a heart attack and he was resuscitated. His 33 years of life were truly a miracle. I am so blessed that I was able to be close to him and to love him. Ten years wasn’t long enough! Time. It just wasn’t enough time. The grief! I'm in so much denial. I thank God that I got to experience him in my lifetime. Moving forward, my life really just won’t be the same. I don't want to accept this. I don't know how to move forward.

This blog post is just solely in honor of My Lindseh. Someone Awesome. Someone Worth It. Someone Great. Someone Who Has My Heart. Someone I Love. Someone Genuine. Someone Hilariously Silly. Someone Deserving. Someone Irreplaceable.

Treivon Jermaine Lindsey

I will always love you. I will always miss you.