The Loser, No Longer.

Today makes year 5. The knots in my stomach still form. The ache in my heart still exists.

With each year that passes, it’s an undesired distance from my last moments with her. I miss my mom. Yes. So freaking much. There’s a lot that I’ve learned. First, I learned that a mother’s love is irreplaceable. Never tell a young person who lost their mom that you love them as if they “were your own”, unless you plan to start treating them like they were your own. Losing a mother creates a void. A deep, silent, dark void. We went from a family of 4 to a family of 3, in an instant. And life had to 'simply' go on from there.

Family of 3

We go way back.

WAAAAY Back

Here I am, I’m in my last two weeks as a 29 year old and over the last 5 years, I legit transformed! Haha. I had to learn to deal with a lot of life without her protection. Bay Bay! A mother’s prayers are powerful, let me tell you! I had to learn to stand on God’s word for myself. I had to learn to trust Him entirely, I had to learn that not all things in this world are favorable or fair. I had to learn the truth about who really means the words “I love you” and sadly, who doesn’t. I had to learn how to see myself as a winner and not the girl who’s a loser! Who just loses... everything! Okay maybe, I’m still overcoming that one haha but really my focus of this blog is just that.

My mom. The definition of a winner. That woman... had all the confidence in the world and she WON. She'd work the system however she needed to because she wasn’t going out as a loser. Being her daughter, I saw that and she helped me win. When she couldn’t fight anymore, she passed the torch. I struggled to carry it but I never allowed the fire to quench. At her funeral, I created the acronym G.W.E.N God Wins Even Now. But shoot Gwen Won too because she didn’t have to live through 2016, 2018, or 2020 🤣 (those were some CRAP years) Now, 5 years later I’m starting to understand that fire that kept the torch lit. The fire that wins, triumphs and overcomes! It’s genuinely God’s word. God's word is a sword. It’s a melody. It’s the special ingredient to the recipe of VICTORY. As I’m approaching 30, I’m sick and tired of seeing myself as a loser man! Yes, I lost my mom, my relationship with my dad has changed entirely and drastically, my family place to call home is gone and so many other things so dear to my heart but all of those things become fuel. They become motivators to not only fight but to freaking triumph over the circumstance and to blaze a new trail.

Year 5, mom, Today, I’m putting on my make up and my heels. You already know that’s who I am. I’m going to walk with my head high, proud that God allowed me to spend 24 years with you in my life. Proud that God allowed me to experience some things very few people my age can relate to. I miss you and your voice everyday. Having you as my mom made me strong. You seriously will always be the best mom ever to me. I still have moments that I can’t believe I don’t use the word “mom” hardly ever anymore. Bluntly, I can't believe that you died but I literally witnessed the whole thing. As much as losing you kills me, it ignites me. I win because I know indubitably that you are still rooting, petitioning, and praying for me and Ciara. The best part is you’re with our Father! Your Number One Love. You always did have the voice of an angel. ❤️ I love you Gwendolyn. We win.

You hated pictures lol

Me, you, and Scooter Rue!