Unhealthy Retention

I just made a spontaneous decision to cut my hair shorter than it has ever been before. When I was a little girl. My mom took such great care of my hair. I had long thick hair until I was about 15 years old. When I was 15, my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and my childhood sweetheart broke my heart when his mom decided I was no longer worthy of her son. Both of those stressors took a big toll on my health and I ended up losing literally all of the hair in the back of my head due to stress. It was rough!!!! I wore a short style through the end of high school and into college. Then, I decided to begin the process of growing it back… I lasted about three years on that journey but still wasn’t happy with the way it was growing back so I decided not only to cut it all off but also perm it when I was 24 years old. It was such a cute and edgy style but I changed the chemical makeup of my hair and thought I would just commit to growing it with a perm. In 2016 my mom passed away. In 2017, I vowed I wouldn’t cut my hair again… and then I went through the worst break up ever… a divorce in 2018 and lost the true love of my 20s in 2020. Again… some major life changes and I started to notice it affecting my hair. In all reality, my hair had become a reflection of my emotional health.

One night I was on the phone with one of my best friends.. we pulled a FaceTime all nighter. She had laryngitis and so I did all the talking and she replied through text. It was pretty much the most random grown up sleepover ever! During that conversation.. somehow we got on the subject of hair.. she “typed” something that was spoke more loudly than any words she could have spoken to me. It read “sometimes we cause more damage trying to retain unhealthy length instead of letting go and beginning from a new space.” I said “Now that’s a word for somebody!” Haha that somebody was absolutely me lol! It was in that moment that I realized instead of having a windshield on my car, I had a huge rear view mirror. It was like the two pieces of glass switched places. I had a tiny windshield and a massive rearview mirror. Constantly looking behind me as I’m moving forward. Be careful not to trip over what’s behind you.. the only physical sense that can make is if you’re walking backwards.. Chiiiillllleeee, that was me. Standing there believing I was walking forward but constantly tripping over what I’d already passed. The sad reality is I wasn’t moving forward. I was ending up back in the same place because of unhealthy retention.

This past week I flew to Atlanta and as soon as the plane touched down, I called my friend to cut my hair. I ended up in a barber shop, that’s how real it was.. with barely any plan except to leave there with a drastic change… feeling like a new woman. I sat in his seat and said just go ahead and take it all off.. but add a part so I feel feminine. He asked me which side I wanted the part on and I said “I have no preference.” But then I came back and said actually… the left please.. He laughed and said “way to make a decision” lol It was so scary making such a big decision with very little thought or idea of what the result would be. But I knew that I only cared about shedding that unhealthy retention and moving forward in a new space.

So here we are! I am absolutely here for all of this.. it’s a whole vibe. I’m not sure when I will decide to let it start growing again. For now.. my hope is that you too can identify that unhealthy retention, let go of it, and begin from a new space!

Love you!