The Disentanglement of a Christian Marriage

One thing I’ve noticed is that as a Christian woman, the topic of divorce is seldomly spoken of. It happens, but mostly you hear all about how amazing marriage is, how God restored one’s marriage or how single women need to “wait for your Boaz”. Pay now, play later mentality. But what about the Christian woman who waited for her “boaz” and still found herself in the divorce attorney’s office signing papers? Really. I hate to say it but most Christian people don’t openly talk about their failures or simply just can’t relate to divorce.

Well, my name is Patrice, I am a Christian woman, who divorced her husband.

My parents were married before I was born, and together as I grew up. My mom was a stay at home mom for the first 5 years of my life and my dad was in the Marine Corps.

In my family, I was used to eating dinner as a family each night and attending church together every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Sunday… we basically lived at the church because my mom was a singer and sang every service ha! My dad’s parents are still married to this day.. over 65 years of marriage there. They certainly are one. He calls her Chicken, she calls him Lil’ Buddy. I love just sitting and watching them interact and listening to their stories. Both of my aunts, or my dad’s sisters have been married for 30+ years and even his cousins!.. married. Yes, things get rocky, but they stuck it out… together.

On my mom’s side of the family, it’s a slightly different story. My mom’s parents divorced when she was a teen. They moved across the country with my grandpa and learned what it was like to live in two house holds. If you have read my other blogs you’ll know my mom passed away.. which ended her marriage to my dad. Both of her sisters have experienced divorce and her brother has never been married.

So I’ve seen divorce but from a distance. In my head (pre-divorce), if you love someone, you can get through anything. I always thought that there was just absolutely no way I could ever end up divorced because I saw marriage as a covenant. Theres no exiting.. it’s for LIFE! A life sentence. So I was willing to stay through anything! I’m a real ride or die. I’d eat ramen noodles with you or I’d eat the finest salmon and asparagus topped with a truffle oil garnish. I’ll stay at the small town Old Western Inn or at the Ritz Carlton. I’ll sit in the hoopty that’s serpentine belt you can hear screech from a mile away when it starts, or I’ll sit shotgun in the Audi A6. Material things really didn’t matter to me, as long as we were together.

When things get hard, just pray… Just call out to God and place him at the center of your marriage and it’ll all work out, right?… I mean yes, that’s right but I learned BOTH people have to place God in the center and be WILLING! There’s no magic potion. God is definitely all powerful but He also gave us free will. The freedom to choose.

In my case, my husband chose to cheat and lie to me about it.. more than once, more than twice… honestly, more than I’d like to know. I was so conflicted. I would drink his bathwater. (lol) But clearly he was drinking someone else’s. In that case.. do you stay and keep knowing he’s lying and blatantly ignoring your calls and blaming it on work? Hell to the naw! After a about 16 months of that.. I grew a pair and went to the courthouse. Was it because I didn’t think God was capable of restoring my marriage? Absolutely not! It’s because I KNOW MY WORTH.

There came a time when I had to realize that God instructs husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. I had to find my identity in Him and realize that I am a QUEEN! 👑 I was allowing my husband’s actions to define my worth. I was a broken individual and had (and still have) some serious healing to do. Marriage exposed me to a lot about myself. I believed that it was my fault that he was stepping out because I was too hurt over the fact that I was surprised with a step daughter. If I could just respond better to that, things would be better. If I could just pretend I didn’t have a miscarriage after finding out he had another child elsewhere, I could love that innocent, sweet, little girl as if she was the baby I just watched get thrown in the trash in the emergency room. I was beginning to believe that my husband’s love was a reflection of God’s love. UHHHHH the devil is a liar! I think it’s important to say that since then, I have forgiven my ex husband and I understand that God has him also. He’s made mistakes, so have I. I pray that his next relationship is successful and that he learned from our marriage, just as I have.

I, personally, had to escape that situation to declare truth over my life. Honestly, I don’t know which one hurt more, watching the coroners wheel my mom’s lifeless body out of my front door in a body bag or seeing my husband change my name to another woman’s name on our Netflix account. Both felt like death. Seriously. But what I do know is that God never left me in either of those situations. He loves me and He carried me through.

If you’re reading this and you can relate, I want you to know that you are not alone! Do I condone divorce? No, don’t. I still believe that God can restore anything and that broken marriages are salvageable. Do I carry the guilt of a failed marriage and think God is mad at me for exiting a covenant? No, I really don’t. I believe that Jesus wouldn’t treat me that way. I believe that I deserve a man who’s love for me is a reflection of the way God loves. The marriage I was in.. wasn’t it. My ex was unfaithful and not willing to take ownership of it. While I would never encourage anyone to divorce, I will say (after the part that felt like death), my divorce brought me overwhelming peace. Drop the guilt, give it to God! Let Him replace that guilt with peace.